“Off Kilter”- adjective – not in the usual, expected, or correct condition or state

I have not had a “normal” day since Richard went into the hospital last Fall. The fact that he isn’t physically present is always in my heart and mind. There are times when I am sadder than other times. There are times when I feel like everything is going to be okay and other times that I’m not so sure. Some days I struggle to find the motivation to keep going and on other days I wake up and hit the ground running. There are days that I just don’t care. Then there are lots of days in between. On days that I want to give up, I ask myself what I would want for Richard if I had died first. The answers: I would want him to be happy; I would want him to be here for our girls; I would want him to live his life in the best way that he could. I’ll be honest, the last few days have been “off-kilter.” I have journaled, prayed, visited his grave, slept, etc. Nothing seems to be pulling me back from the edge. We are coming up on the 11 month anniversary of his death so maybe that is it. Maybe it is the fact that the world has moved on without him but I can’t and don’t want to. I am sitting on my deck writing this. Our deck and backyard are the places that I feel most connected to him. I am having two beers – one for him and one for me Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow, i will feel less out of balance.

My question for you, reader: What do you do when your grief makes you feel “off-kilter?”