Right after Richard died I was looking through his things. In the bottom drawer of his nightstand, there were pictures that were meaningful to him….Pictures of the girls, our family and friends’ celebrations and gatherings, and trips that he took. Along with all of these pictures, in a yellow envelope, was our marriage certificate. I asked Anna if she thought it was a sign from him. She said – “Mom, if you think it’s a sign, then it’s a sign. Don’t even question it.” What wise words. I still look for signs. I try with all of my heart to believe they are from him.

Do you get signs? Feel free to share in comments.

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And one day you realize that it wasn’t the game, it was who you watched it with.

It wasn’t about the house you owned. It was the people in it.

It wasn’t about the best coffee ever, but who you made it for.

It wasn’t all the work you put in, but who was in the trenches with you.

It wasn’t the great dinner prepared for you. It was who brought you your plate.

You have to learn how to value the time that someone gives you because that’s something they will never get back. It’s priceless.

When you’re at the end of your years, what’s really going to matter??

I was on vacation last week and was dreading returning to work. It’s so funny how we can get into a negative (or less than enthusiastic) mindset. I like my job, I enjoy my work, and I have way more good days than bad when working.

I spent the day with my teachers and my team. It was a great day. I felt energized by everyone’s willingness to actively participate in the day.

I don’t ever expect gifts, but my wonderful teammate, Andrea brought me flowers and one of my teachers gifted me with a beautiful jewelry set.

When I got home, Anna was waiting to talk about our day. I got a text from Layla telling me she would call me tonight. Our puppies were beyond excited to see me.

I am thankful and grateful for the blessings in my life. I hope each person who reads this has or finds at least one reason to be grateful.

I didn’t blog or journal this past week. I spent five days with my friend Julie in Charleston. I had fun and enjoyed seeing new things. Of course you can’t beat time on the beach.

I will definitely be journaling and blogging going forward. As I start my second year without Richard, I still have much healing to do.

I was thinking I had all of the firsts out of the way but I don’t. Last night I went to a chili cook off that Richard and I have attended together for years. In years past we would talk about the chili that we would make and collaborate on making it. He would always be the official taste tester and cheerleader when it came to preparing for the cook off. I prepared my chili and went alone this year. These traditions are bittersweet when facing them solo.

It has also been harder than usual seeing everyone with their person. Even if not with them, they check in by texts and phone calls. This makes me miss him even more. For all of these reasons, today had been harder than usual.

I will intentionally continue to work through my grief by giving myself permission to mourn.

I welcome you to continue read my blog if you choose to. Please feel free to share my blog with friends who are working through their grief. I welcome your comments and feedback.

It has been one year since our guy died.  I miss him so much. I think about him so many times throughout the day.  Some days when I pull into the driveway at the end of the workday and I see his truck, I think (only for a split second): “Richard is home.”  Then the reality hits!  Each day I have so many reminders of him.  I have shared memories for the past 30 days and will continue to write about our life here. 

I am so grateful that I married Richard and for the life we built together.  I would not trade the life we created to avoid the pain and anguish of the last year.  Of course I wanted more time but that is not how it worked out. 

To those who reached out over the past year, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  For those who have walked with me on regular basis (some of you daily) over the past year, I could not have done this without you (you know who you are 😊).  You have saved me with your calls, texts, food deliveries, prayers, and support.  To my TZ tribe – I am grateful on a daily basis for your love and support. 

The saying that “time heals all wounds” isn’t necessarily true.  I learned that it is what you do with that time that heals the wounds.  I have been intentional in mourning Richard’s death.  I have come to believe that death does not end the relationship (our relationship continues).

Please continue to share your stories about Richard with me.  Please continue to say his name.  Do not think it will upset me or that you will remind me of something if you bring him up.  I love talking about his and keeping his memory alive. 

Today is one year and I will definitely blog about that later but I wanted to share one more story.

Early in our relationship I shared an apartment with my friend Julie. I was extremely poor and had no bedroom furniture. I slept on a second hand mattress on a floor and stacked my clothes in the closet. I really did not think much about it. I had been poor my whole life and was thrilled to have an apartment with my own bedroom. On Valentine’s Day I came home to the sweetest surprise. Richard had gotten me a dresser! He put it in my room and even bought a few cute decorative pieces to go on top of it. This may not seem like a big deal to everyone but to me it was the sweetest and most thoughtful gift! Richard remained a thoughtful and generous man and gift giver throughout the rest of his life. If the girls or I wanted or needed anything, he wanted us to have it. Today I am grateful for this sweet guy who brought me this sweet, thoughtful, and wonderful gift.

I found Tom Zuba on line shortly after Richard died. I started following his page and reading his books. I am sure that this changed the trajectory of my grief and how I mourned and continue to mourn. One of the most profound things I learned is that joy and grief can sit side by side. These feelings (as well as all of my other feelings are not mutually exclusive). Words matter and if I say I will never be happy or joyful again, I won’t. I will alway miss Richard and be sad (some days devastated) because he died. But I will also laugh, enjoy nature, take pleasure in a steamy cup of coffee, cherish time with our girls and friends.

This morning as I sit in our home, I am so grateful. We bought this house in 1998 and immediately it became a home. Layla turned 4 on the day we moved in. We brought Anna home a little over a year later. We have had the happiest and saddest memories in this home. We have entertained friends and family hundreds of times. We have woken up to a house full of teenagers many mornings. We have celebrated many birthdays, Thanksgivings, Halloweens, Christmases, and other holidays. Like all families, we have gone through times of happiness, rough patches, and everything in between. We have also mourned our loved ones – parents, friends, and pets and then Richard. Through it all, our home has been our safe place; our haven – a place where we come together.

Right after Richard died, I did not know how I would feel about living here without him. But over the past year, our home has provided me with a safe place to be; to return to. I am the happiest when I’m here. I feel the closest to him when I’m here.

I’m not sure what the future holds for me but for now I’m grateful that we bought this house and made it into a home for our family.