People are generally uncomfortable with death and would rather not talk about it. I believe that we should talk about it. Death is a inevitable- our own and those we love. I’m sharing our stories, we can help someone else.
Learning this early in my grief journey was so important. We talk about Richard – not in a sad way, but in a way that brings us joy. He is part of our lives and always will be.
I hear people say things like “he was my brother or she was my wife.” I am not saying that is wrong but I don’t think death ends the relationship. Richard is my husband. My father is deceased but he is still my father.
I am not a grief expert but I would encourage those grieving to say their person’s name, share stories about them, keep the door open.
The Blame Game
After someone dies, it may often be your first instinct to go back and take responsibility for the outcome, all you feel you could or should have done differently.
Do you do this? Do you play the ‘blame game?’
Grief has a way of making you feel suddenly and entirely responsible for another person’s life, and I find many grievers fill their every waking thought with regret and guilt.
This next part may only apply to a select group of people…but…(and this is important)…you know who you are.
This isn’t easy to hear, acknowledge, or talk about, yet I know this to be true. It must be acknowledged that there are certain circumstances where the deceased played their own role in the outcome and the way things turned out.
I worry about the potential to be misunderstood…so I want to be very clear. While we never want to ‘blame’ anyone, especially after they’re gone, why do we find it so much easier to put all of the blame and responsibility on ourselves? In the end…does anyone need to be blamed at all?
Here’s the thing…life is horribly unfair. Terrible things happen to good people.
Some get saddled with mental health issues and addictions that can overpower and destroy even the best efforts and intentions.
Take some time to consider this…instead of playing the blame game…think about what it would feel like to let yourself off the hook, and to let go of some of the guilt…even just a little.
You may spend a lot of time forgiving other people…so why not also forgive yourself.
Gary Sturgis – “Surviving Grief”
*If you have read my previous posts, you know how I feel about Tom Zuba’s books. The post below is an excerpt from Permission to Mourn.
MOVING WITH
When someone we love dies
most of the world “moves on”
very quickly.
Very, very quickly.
For those in the center of the storm
there is no moving on.
I believe we can learn to move with.
We can move with.
We can learn to take our beloveds with us.
Remember to be gentle with you.
Be gentle.
Even when
especially when
the world is not.
Be gentle with you.
“When your life has been shattered
in millions of pieces
you need to take it slow.
So be gentle
with yourself.
Be very
very
gentle.
Rest when you must.
I firmly believe that for many of us
if we were able to take in
really take in
the enormity of what has happened to us
we would not be able to live.
Literally.
I believe our bodies would shut down.
Our minds would turn off.
Our spirits would take flight.
Our new reality is simply too much to take in all at once.
So
we take it in
little-by-little
detail-by-detail.
Over time.
Lots of time.
And in time
(lots of it)
in small doses
our new reality begins to sink in.
Someone you love
dearly
has died.
Your life has changed.
Forever.
Many of your dreams have been shattered.
And for now
the best you can do is hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.”
Remember to be gentle with you.
Really
really
really gentle.
I don’t think we move on.
But I do believe we can learn
to move with.
We can bring our beloveds with us.
Are you learning to MOVE WITH?
If so
what has helped you do so?
💛💛💛
Excerpt From Chapter 3 of Permission to Mourn.
Available at Amazon by clicking: https://www.amazon.com/Permission-Mourn-New-Way-Grief/dp/1600475655/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8
“Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation.
Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection.
Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years and it no longer feeling like home. Because “home” incorporated a person. And they’re not there. Homesickness fills your heart and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you.
Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amount to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path.
Widowhood is second guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself. Your life had molded together with another’s and without them you have to relearn all your likes, hobbies, fears, goals. The renaissance of a new person makes you proud and heartbroken simultaneously.
Widowhood is being a stranger in your own life. The unnerving feeling of watching yourself from outside your body, going through the motions of what was your life, but being detached from all of it. You don’t recognize yourself. Your previous life feels but a vapor long gone, like a mist of a dream you begin to wonder if it happened at all.
Widowhood is the irony of knowing if that one person was here to be your support, you would have the strength to grieve that one person. The thought twists and confuses you. If only they were here to hold you and talk to you, you’d have the tenacity to tackle this unwanted life. To tackle the arduous task of moving on without them.
Widowhood is missing the one person who could truly understand what is in your heart to share. The funny joke, the embarrassing incident, the fear compelling you or the frustration tempting you. To anyone else, you would have to explain, and that is too much effort, so you keep it to yourself. And the loneliness grows inside you.
Widowhood is struggling with identity. Who are you if not their spouse? What do you want to do if not the things you planned together? What brand do you want to buy if not the one you two shared for all those years? What is your purpose if the job of investing into your marriage is taken away? Who is my closest companion when my other half isn’t here?
Widowhood is feeling restless because you lost your home, identity, partner, lover, friend, playmate, travel companion, co-parent, security, and life. And you are drifting with an unknown destination.
Widowhood is living in a constant state of missing the most intimate relationship. No hand to hold. No body next to you. No partner to share your burden.
Widowhood is being alone in a crowd of people. Feeling sad even while you’re happy. Feeling guilty while you live. It is looking back while moving forward. It is being hungry but nothing sounding good. It is every special event turning bittersweet.
Yes. It is much more than simply missing their presence. It is becoming a new person, whether you want to or not. It is fighting every emotion mankind can feel at the very same moment and trying to function in life at the same time.
Widowhood is frailty. Widowhood is strength. Widowhood is darkness. Widowhood is rebirth.
Widowhood…..
is life changing.”
By: Alisha Bozarth
YOU’RE THE GHOST
There’s a part of the grieving process,
where your soul kind of leaves your body too.
As though it’s off searching for the one you lost,
somewhere in the ether.
You walk around,
doing all the right things,
putting one foot in front of the other,
living,
but it’s really as though you’re the ghost.
Perhaps you are.
Perhaps your soul searches,
until you find the one you miss,
and they tell you to go back and live.
So, when that numbness passes brave one,
maybe it’s time to do what you are told,
go back and live,
twice as hard.
You don’t belong there in the ether,
nor do you need to search for the one you lost,
they find you.
And when they do, you’ll feel it.
Donna Ashworth
From ‘I Wish I knew’
Art by Amanda Cass #amandacassart
#griefpoetry #griefquotes #griefsupport #griefpoem #donnaashworth
I’ve been fortunate that most of these things haven’t been said to me.
Add to the list. Share how you respond when someone says these things.
I think we have to be the teacher and help people understand why these things are not comforting.
www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/widows-walk/202212/grief-and-the-passage-of-time
New Beginnings
Today is the last day of 2022. If you’re grieving the death of someone you love, the transition from one year to the next can be hard. The reality that the person you love will be left in the old year, and will never experience the new one, can weigh heavy on your heart.
You might even feel more separated from your deceased loved one because you feel as if you’re moving even further ahead without them. You’re entering the new year without them and it seems they’re being left behind.
The death of someone you love is not only an ending for them…but also for you. The grief and sadness are a constant reminder of what you’ve lost…and it might seem almost impossible to even begin to think about a new year starting.
Here’s the thing…you may not believe it now…but endings lead to new beginnings.
It’s not unusual to feel guilty about gradually moving forward in your life and experiencing joy again, but it’s also important to give yourself permission to live again.
The fear of leaving your loved one behind is sometimes paralyzing until you understand that you don’t ‘move on’ without them…but you ‘move forward’ with them.
You’ll come to realize that grief is all about grabbing whatever joy comes your way and holding tightly to it.
Grief is the only experience that puts sadness and joy in your heart at the same time.
What that means is that you have to follow your heart.
Listen to it.
Grieve when the pain grabs your heart…and smile when the memories fill it.
Embrace the endings…but also embrace the new beginnings.
Gary Sturgis – “Surviving Grief”
Gina’s thoughts on life, death, and in between 