For weeks and months after Richard died, I found myself wanting to tell anyone and everyone – “my husband died!” I’m sure I made grocery checkers and baggers, people in meetings, and others uncomfortable. People aren’t sure how to respond to that announcement! I still find myself wanting to tell people. I do at times and other times I refrain.

When I read this devotional today, it made me realize that we need some kind of symbolism to let others know that we are hurting! That our loved one died; that we need to be handled with a little more care. That would be so helpful and could lead to a kinder, gentler, and more thoughtful approach when interacting to those who are in early grief!

Now when a stranger or friend shares that a loved one has died, I stop and listen; I ask their name. I want them to know that I understand their pain.

If you haven’t experienced the death of a loved one that devastated you, be grateful. But also try to remember that it just takes a second to listen, ask questions, and give a mourner that you meet on your daily travels a little TLC.

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IT’S A HEART THING

Healing grief is not a head thing.

Healing grief is a heart thing.

And when the heart speaks

to you

in silence

it says

I know darkness.

Deep

all-encompassing

endless

darkness

so I will be light

for the next person.

I know loneliness.

Even in (especially in)

a room full of people

so I will be friend

for the next person.

I know terror.

Indescribable

inexplicable

terror

so I will be comfort

for the next person.

And I know despair.

Paralyzing

can’t-get-out-of-bed

life is too dark

despair

so I will be hope

for the next person.

Grief is the teacher.

The life-giving

heart-expanding

teacher.

Grief is the teacher

when you choose to say yes

to life

to love

to your beloved,

to your very self.

And healing grief is a heart thing.

My first book

Permission to Mourn

is available at amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Permission-Mourn-New-Way-Grief/dp/1600475655/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

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Have you ever heard of “continuing bonds” ? In summary it goes like this – when your loved one dies grief isn’t about working through a linear process that ends with ‘acceptance’ or a ‘new life’, where you have moved on or compartmentalized your loved one’s memory. Rather, when a loved one dies you slowly find ways to adjust and redefine your relationship with that person, allowing for a continued bond with that person that will endure, in different ways and to varying degrees, throughout your life. This relationship is not unhealthy, nor does it mean you are not grieving in a normal way. Instead, the continuing bonds theory suggests that this is not only normal and healthy, but that an important part of grief is continuing ties to loved ones in this way. Rather than assuming detachment as a normal grief response, continuing bonds considers natural human attachment even in death.

Over the past year I have learned that grief is not my enemy. I have not ignored my grief; in fact you can say I embraced it. Grief has been a great teacher for me. These are not lessons I wanted to learn but I found myself in this place.

I believe we live in a grief illiterate society. We are expected to have a quick funeral or memorial, maybe take a couple of days off work, then get up and move on. I will say that I’m thankful that my work colleagues have been the most supportive people ever for this past year and for this year and for that I’m grateful! But in general, we do not allow people (or ourselves) time, space, and grace to mourn.

I hope we can move toward a culture that doesn’t try to sweep death, sadness, and grief under the rug. I think we will help each other heal if we can be more open and honest about death, grief, and mourning.

When Anna was in her sophomore year and beginning her junior year in college, she overcame a lot of personal obstacles. She had been wanting a dog but we weren’t sure she was ready to take care of one. Because she grew so much during this time, Richard and I decided we would get her a dog. This adorable litter of labs popped up on my Facebook feed and we decided to check them out.

Richard and I fell in love with all of them and then we took Anna to pick a puppy out. She and Nellie picked each other and Nellie became a Smallwood on December 20, 2019.

Nellie lived in Chattanooga until the pandemic closed schools down and then she and Anna moved in with us. We thought this move would be temporary but life had other plans for us. Anna decided to take a semester off and then start cosmetology school. Richard unexpectedly died in October of 2020. So Nellie and Anna have been here with me.

We love having Nellie here. She followed Richard around the backyard constantly. He took her to the lake. We fell more in love with her each day.

Over the past year Nellie has brought me comfort when I have been so sad! She has snuggled with me, sat with me, made me laugh, and been so wonderful.

Today is her second birthday. I’m so thankful for this sweet girl and the joy she brings to my life daily.

We are celebrating with homemade treats and toys…including one special one from her grandpa!

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I read posts on social media where people state that they will never be okay; never heal. I know it feels like that at times; especially early in grief. But I can’t accept that I will never heal. I will always miss Richard. I will always wish he had not died at such a young age. But I am still here and I have to do everything I can to heal and be okay. It is hard work! I am very intentional about the way I deal with my grief and how I choose to mourn.

In Tom Zuba’s book: Becoming Radiant, he asked in Chapter 3: “Is Healing Possible?” I think if you choose to think it is not, then it is not. If you choose to think it is and you are willing to “do the work,” then it can be.

How do I know that I’m healing? When I find ways that I am grateful, I am healing. When I laugh, cry, and remember, I am healing. When I feel appreciative for the Fall colors, or a hot steamy cup of coffee, or a good book or movie, I am healing. When I continue to say yes when I can I’m healing. Likewise, when I say no so I can take care of myself, I am healing.

Again, this is not easy. But I’m so thankful I’ve taken this approach on this journey through grief.

If you are grieving the death of a loved one, I hope you will find ways to begin or continue to actively and intentionally mourn so that your heart will begin to heal.

Right after Richard died I was looking through his things. In the bottom drawer of his nightstand, there were pictures that were meaningful to him….Pictures of the girls, our family and friends’ celebrations and gatherings, and trips that he took. Along with all of these pictures, in a yellow envelope, was our marriage certificate. I asked Anna if she thought it was a sign from him. She said – “Mom, if you think it’s a sign, then it’s a sign. Don’t even question it.” What wise words. I still look for signs. I try with all of my heart to believe they are from him.

Do you get signs? Feel free to share in comments.