I truly believe in therapy, journaling, and other means to help move through grief. But I wonder if we are too quick to medicate and numb our feelings when someone with love dies. What happens down the road if we don’t fully process these feelings?

Ultimately, each of us has to make decisions about what is best for our health. But we need to give ourselves time and grace to mourn.

For the first few months after Richard died, I kept an inspiration wall. I would write quotes, things I learned, aspirations, intentions, etc. on a sticky notes and put it on my wall. I would read the wall each day as I journaled. Eventually I put the notes, cards, etc. from this wall into a scrapbook of sorts. I occasionally pull it out and look through it. On page 1 (ignore the “t” on the word is 🤔):

One of the most important things I learned early in this grief journey is to try my best to stay in the moment. When I fret about the past, I become sad, regretful, and overwhelmed. When I worry about the future, I become afraid, anxious, and overwhelmed. This is not to say that I can’t remember the past or plan for the future. However, fretting over the past and worrying about the future is futile and drains my energy.

I try to set the intention daily to stay in the moment. Many days I have to set this intention over and over. As I continue on my healing journey, I will continue to strive to live in the moment – not the past and not the unlived future.

In Tom Zuba’s book Permission to Mourn, he writes that the relationship continues and we define what we want that relationship to be. This has been both a comfort and a challenge to me. I intentionally choose to believe that the relationship continues; I choose this over and over.

What do I want our relationship to be? I want to feel his presence, talk to him, write a letter when I’m journaling. I want our relationship to bring me peace, comfort, and strength.

I’ve already written about signs but daily I ask for, look for, and accept signs that Richard is close by.

Not long after Richard died, I had a dream that he came and got me and we went to a cabin on a lake. We had a fun day of boating, talking, laughing, and catching up. At the end of the dream he told me that he wanted me to know where he was. He wanted me to know that he is healthy, happy, and alway near. I accept this dream as a sign that our relationship continues.

I believe our souls/spirits are eternal. I also believe our love is eternal. For this reason I choose to believe that our relationship did not end with Richard’s physical death.

“Off Kilter”- adjective – not in the usual, expected, or correct condition or state

I have not had a “normal” day since Richard went into the hospital last Fall. The fact that he isn’t physically present is always in my heart and mind. There are times when I am sadder than other times. There are times when I feel like everything is going to be okay and other times that I’m not so sure. Some days I struggle to find the motivation to keep going and on other days I wake up and hit the ground running. There are days that I just don’t care. Then there are lots of days in between. On days that I want to give up, I ask myself what I would want for Richard if I had died first. The answers: I would want him to be happy; I would want him to be here for our girls; I would want him to live his life in the best way that he could. I’ll be honest, the last few days have been “off-kilter.” I have journaled, prayed, visited his grave, slept, etc. Nothing seems to be pulling me back from the edge. We are coming up on the 11 month anniversary of his death so maybe that is it. Maybe it is the fact that the world has moved on without him but I can’t and don’t want to. I am sitting on my deck writing this. Our deck and backyard are the places that I feel most connected to him. I am having two beers – one for him and one for me Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow, i will feel less out of balance.

My question for you, reader: What do you do when your grief makes you feel “off-kilter?”

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My friend Susie Zinn Breedwell wrote the post below and gave me permission to share:

As a Covid widow, I have urged everyone to get the vaccine. I can’t believe the posts saying Biden’s increase in masking and vaccines that he’s terrible and our country will not be here for our grandchildren. If you had been with me the last 9 hours of my husband’s life, you would not want anyone else you love to go through this. For the first time in 12 days, that day I was able to sit outside his ICU room just watching his body struggle to breathe on a ventilator.

Our friend, Joanna, recently posted about this pandemic. She was the ICU nurse that was with us when Don passed. She said at first it was “our parents and grandparents in the ICU and now it’s their friends.” Another friend, Dr. Conchita Martinez recently said to me that health workers are fleeing the work place because of the toll this pandemic has taken on them. All she sees every day are people coming in with Covid symptoms. These folks had time to get the vaccine, but they chose not to. I realize some do have medical reasons, but please get it if you can.

My husband has already missed birthdays, our 45th anniversary, ball games, times with the kids and grands, and just chill time with me. He won’t be there to watch how the kids do in school this year, see the post of Willem, Magdalena Nelson, playing piano, be with his co-workers and students at Dodson Elem…yeah, he’s missing it all. Stop and think about what you would miss and who would miss you!

If you disagree with this push to get us to a much safer place, then please unfriend me. I’ve been quiet through all the political unrest, but stop and use common sense. I will not be unfriending people, but I may hide some.

I love saying Richard’s name, sharing stories about him, and hearing stories about him. If you are worried that you might upset me if/when you say his name, you won’t! You won’t remind me that he died; this fact is never far from each conscious thought. Please share stories about him! There are so many that are sweet, funny, and wonderful. Please continue to say his name.

Well-meaning people will say “time heals all wounds.” I do not believe this. Tom Zuba’s states in Permission to Mourn, that time does not heal our wounds, but what we do we that time can. We must first acknowledge our sadness and realize our grief is directly related to the love we had for the person who died (at least that is the case for me). In order to begin healing our broken hearts, bodies, minds, and spirits, we must give ourselves permission to mourn. When we pretend we are okay; that our grief does not exist, that we aren’t sad, lonely, afraid (fill in the blank) we do not heal. Some things that I have found to help me actively mourn include: daily prayers, journaling, setting daily intentions, choosing gratitude, reading daily devotionals, talking to a few trusted friends, allowing myself time to cry/be sad, and talking about Richard (saying his name – sharing stories about him). Each day, I have to start anew (sometimes multiple times a day). This is not an easy journey but I want to find a way to heal my broken heart, spirit, body, and mind. I believe I will always grieve Richard’s death. I miss him like crazy and I don’t think that will ever end (nor do I really want it to). However, I look forward to the day that I can be fully present, happy, healthy, and whole.