From: Refugeingrief..com
When we talk about the skills needed to support a grieving friend, we’re not just talking about grief related to death. These are the kinds of skills we need for all of life’s hardships, from small everyday losses to life altering ones.
It’s so tempting to tell someone to look on the bright side, or suggest they “practice gratitude” or think about happier times. It’s harder – and so much more effective – to let their pain exist.
@refugeingrief
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We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough, and we’ll be more content when they are.
After that, we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our partner gets his or her act together when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice holiday, when we retire.
The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
A quote comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said,
“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”
This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.
So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time…and remember that time waits for no one.
So, stop waiting until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until winter, until your song comes on, until you’ve had a drink…. there is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Work like you don’t need money,
Love like you’ve never been hurt,
And dance like no one’s watching.
Grief has no time frame and is not linear! I have been fortunate so far that no one has told me to move on or that I should be over it. I talk to and read about others who have had these and other unkind or unhelpful words spoken to them. David Kessler says that when someone asks us “how long are you planning to grieve?” We should respond with “as long as my person is dead.”
I have given myself permission to mourn since Richard died. I have also sought professional help. I have a few close friends who I can share my feelings with (they don’t try to fix me). We don’t have to do this alone but we also need to ensure we aren’t letting others dictate how we grieve and mourn.
Tom Zuba says that the death of someone we love “cracks us open.” Let’s build a world where we give ourselves and others time to grieve, mourn, heal and slowly put ourselves back together.
Have you watched the movie It’s A Wonderful Life? George Bailey, the main character, is contemplating suicide and he has the thought that it would be better if he were never born. His Guardian Angel, Clarence, decided to show George how the world and the people he cares Clarence reveals an alternate universe in which George was never born and George learns how different the world would be. He learns that he has had a positive impact on people far and wide. Then there is the ripple effect. He saved his brother’s life and his brother saved many other lives. Once George sees what his corner of the world would be like if he were never born, he decides he wants to live. Unlike George, we probably won’t have a Guardian Angel giving us a glimpse into what the works would be like without us. But I promise you that each of us is having a positive impact on the world and the people we love. Our ripple effect is far and wide. The world is a better and more beautiful place because of you.
On a personal note, my life has been more wonderful because a teenage boy decided he wanted to be my boyfriend and later my husband. Thank you for making my corner of the world more beautiful Richard!
On my grief journey, I have met wonderful people and have become friends with many of them. Our common denominator is that someone we love dearly died. These friendships blossom and we share our sadness, our triumphs, our dreams, our hopes, etc. Being with people who don’t try to fix me, but instead listen, love, cry, and laugh with me is extraordinary and healing.
Today I want to send love to my friends/my tribe and anyone else who loves someone who died from an overdose. I feel like I know your loved ones because you so openly and graciously share them with me. Thank you for that.
I sit on the bench with each of you. I want to be present and listen. I want to continue to get to know your son, daughter, brother, sister, wife, husband, parent, friend through your stories, photos, etc.
Today I challenge you to think about your impact on the world. The world is a better place because you are a part of it. There are movies and books that depict how the world changes when someone is removed and as a result they get to see their impact on people and the world. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), we don’t live in a movie so we can’t see our impact in a technicolor film. But I guarantee you have made someone’s life better. I promise the world is a better place because you are here. You may never know the details of how you have positively impacted people’s lives but you should rest assured that you have.
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Am I Healing?
This is a very common question.
You may have asked yourself, “Are there ways to measure my healing?”
There are some signs that your grief work is helping. You just need to recognize these signs and realize that you’re working through your grief, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.
You may notice that you’re experiencing a lessening of the frequency, intensity and duration of your pain. Maybe you’re finally realizing you had no attachment to the outcome, and you recognize that all that could have been done was done.
Sometimes you might find yourself saying that your loved one is “dead”, not that “he left me” or “she’s gone.” This is a sign that you‘re facing the reality of the situation.
Healing is all about a change in focus. Learning to live with the never-to-be-answered questions and living in the present.
Knowing that things will never be the same.
When the fog begins to lift, and the dust begins to settle, you realize that life goes on, and still consists of happy and enjoyable moments. You actually start to feel good about feeling good. You make time for fun and laughter, while celebrating your good memories that will always stay with you.
Here’s the thing……you can’t recognize you’re healing if you don’t step back from your grief long enough to see it.
I’m not suggesting it’s easy, but reinvesting your energies in new projects and new choices will give you a renewed sense of life. A purpose. A reason to go on.
Healing isn’t forcing the sun to shine, but letting go of that which blocks the light.
It’s my hope that signs of healing continue to shine in your life, on the good days…..and the not so good days.
Gary Sturgis – “Surviving Grief”
Gina’s thoughts on life, death, and in between 