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As many of you know, I discovered Tom Zuba soon after Richard died. I started following his fb page and read his books (both were gifts from a member – who is now a friend- of Tom’s groups). I took two online courses with Tom. I continue to read his books almost daily. I find a new message each time I read a chapter. I’ve shared his books with others who are living with the death of a loved one. I’m 100% sure that these books, Tom’s posts, the friends I’ve made through his groups and pages, and the courses I took with him changed the trajectory of my grief journey. Tom shared this today. It is true!

When someone we love dies

most of the world “moves on”

very quickly.

Very, very quickly.

For those in the center of the storm

there is no moving on.

I believe we can learn to move with.

We can move with.

We can learn to take our beloveds with us.

Remember to be gentle with you.

Be gentle.

Even when

especially when

the world is not.

Be gentle with you.

“When your life has been shattered

in millions of pieces

you need to take it slow.

So be gentle

with yourself.

Be very

very

gentle.

Rest when you must.

I firmly believe that for many of us

if we were able to take in

really take in

the enormity of what has happened to us

we would not be able to live.

Literally.

I believe our bodies would shut down.

Our minds would turn off.

Our spirits would take flight.

Our new reality is simply too much to take in all at once.

So

we take it in

little-by-little

detail-by-detail.

Over time.

Lots of time.

And in time

(lots of it)

in small doses

our new reality begins to sink in.

Someone you love

dearly

has died.

Your life has changed.

Forever.

Many of your dreams have been shattered.

And for now

the best you can do is hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.”

Remember to be gentle with you.

Really

really

really gentle.

I don’t think we move on.

But I do believe we can learn

to move with.

We can bring our beloveds with us.

💛💛💛

Excerpt From Chapter 3 of Permission to Mourn.

Available at Amazon by clicking: https://www.amazon.com/Permission-Mourn-New-Way-Grief/dp/1600475655/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

Each day I thank God (and write in my gratitude journal) how grateful I am for the life we built together. My life is definitely better because of Richard. I’m so thankful for our girls, the great times, the laughter, and the love.

Layla shared this as one of her memories at Christmas. Richard’s super power was and still is making me and others laugh. I’m so thankful for these fun memories.

If your person is still physically present, I encourage you to let them know you are grateful for them. If your person is not physically here, you can still thank them by talking to the or writing a letter.

I’ve said it before….the grief journey is not linear! It is not a neat little pathway of steps. Some days it seems like I’m moving along the pathway and then I hit a bump; trip over a log. These obstacles send me down a different pathway or maybe back the way I came. I do believe that if I keep moving, keep intentionally mourning and doing the work of dealing with Richard’s death, I will eventually heal. If you are struggling with this “two steps forward/one step back” pathway, I encourage you to continue on your healing pathway with intention.

Struggles/challenges: Some days are better than others. I don’t share these for pity. I am sharing because I want to be honest and open about this grief journey.

1. Finding the confidence that I once had

2. Being the sole decision maker

3. Having a confidant to share the good, the funny, the bad, etc. with

4. Caring enough to eat well, drink my water, exercise, sleep, take care of myself

5. Feeling lonely in a world full of people

6. Finding the motivation to move forward

7. Not sleeping well and being tired

8. Being more forgetful than before

9. Not having my person to drink coffee with or eat dinner with

10. Not having my person to make future plans with

As promised, I am sharing another memory. This one is written by our sweet Rachel. Rachel is our oldest petite and is such an amazing woman! We love her and are so happy that she is part of our family!

No one loved a snow day more than Richard Smallwood! He loved getting in his truck and checking the roads! He loved pulling the girls around on a sled! He loved coming in and having a fire.

He has been on my mind all day today with our first snow of the year. I made two of his favorite foods tonight – chicken and dumplings and peach cobbler. I’m now enjoying a fire while watching one of his favorite movies – Sandlot…You’re killing me Smalls.

I always cherish our memories and I try to count my blessings! But some days are definitely harder!

In the end, the seemingly small things definitely end up being the big things!

Feel free to add words or phrases in the comments:

The photos below are from 10 years ago. It is so strange to ring in another new year without you. Of course last year I was still in shock and have very little memory of the new year. As we begin 2022, I will continue to strive to move forward, be available to our girls, and include you in our lives. I miss your physical presence so much. I pray that your heaven is the lake house from my dream.

Alan Wolfelt explains the difference between grief and mourning:

Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone we love dies. Think of grief as the container. It holds your thoughts, feelings, and images of your experience when someone you love dies. In other words, grief is the internal meaning given to the experience of loss.

Mourning is when you take the grief you have on the inside and express it outside yourself. Another way of defining mourning is “grief gone public” or “the outward expression of grief.” There is no one right or only way to mourn. Talking about the person who died, crying, expressing your thoughts and feelings through art or music, journaling, praying, and celebrating special anniversary dates that held meaning for the person who died are just a few examples of mourning. Making the choice to not just grieve but authentically mourn provides you with the courage and confidence to integrate the death of someone loved into your life.

I’m very thankful that I have taken the time to actively and intentionally mourn Richard’s death. It is not easy or fun, but I know it is what I need to do to heal my heart, mind, and spirit. I’ve mentioned finding Tom Zuba online very soon after Richard died. His books and participation in his groups/classes changed how I dealt with my grief.