Just so you know
after you die
I will not wonder
why you didn’t do
your dishes or
how long it’s been
since you
cleaned your
oven or microwave or
mopped your floors
or why there were
dust bunnies under
the bed and
behind the door

After you’re gone
I will not wonder
how you could
have allowed the
piles of old mail to
accumulate or
why you saved so
many bits and pieces
of this and that or
why you weren’t
more goal-oriented and
well-organized or
why your refrigerator
contained so many
expired condiments

When you are
absent from all your
familiar places
I vow to avoid wondering
why you didn’t
eat less and
exercise more or
why you waited so
long to stop smoking
or drinking or
whatever else was
simultaneously
soothing and
deadly or
why you took
whatever risk may
seem to have hastened
your exit or why
you left so much unsaid
unfinished or
unresolved

I will only wonder
if you knew how much
you mattered to me
just as you are
as you were when we
met in our temporary
human disguises and
laughed in the
dressing room of the
world at how funkily
our skin suits fit
at times

I will wonder and
hope you knew
you were beloved

I will wonder when
we last hugged
and whether you
felt how our
heartbeats
converged
and our bellies
bumped like boats
and then we
both sighed

Marva Lee Weigelt

---

It is what we do with that time that heals our brokenness. If we decide to ignore our grief and stuff our pain down, we do not heal.

www.facebook.com/1091093766/posts/10220435342168878/

If you follow my blog, you know I think this is one of the best books on grief and mourning. In order to heal, we must give ourselves permission to mourn. If you are looking for a way to heal your heart and you are tired of piling pain on top of pain, I suggest you check out Tom’s book.

I want to begin this blog by saying that Richard is so much more than a memory. He is an important part of our everyday lives. But the gist of this reading is true! These memories are treasures! I’m so glad we have photos and videos to help us have more vivid memories of our special times.

As I shared earlier, Layla, Anna, and my friends (framily) created a memory box for me for Christmas. The entries I’m sharing here today were written by Layla. Our boat and Destin trips are chocked full of treasured memories! When I think about my favorite times in life, they are always about the people I’m with!

Folks, Take pictures! Write things down! Treasure your time together as well as your memories.

I was listening to a Facebook Live with Tom Z. this week and a listener wrote that since her husband’s death, she had fallen in love with him all over again. I thought this was profound! When Richard was here physically, we were like many other couples – busy, tired, stressed, etc. We rarely took time to think about how blessed we were to have the relationship that we did or to be intentional in showing gratitude for the life we built. That’s not to say we didn’t love each other – we definitely did. But life got in the way of realizing and fully appreciating what we had (and still have). Since Richard’s death, I have a greater appreciation for our relationship and the life we built together. I am eternally grateful for the fun we had, the crazy times, the laughter, and the memories.

I have chosen to believe that death does not end my relationship with Richard. I continue to include him in my daily life. I talk about him. Sometimes I talk to him or write to him. I laugh about things he said it did. If you know Richard, you know there is no shortage in things that he did or said to make you laugh. I find comfort in all of this.

If your significant other is with you physically, take time to talk, laugh, sit together. Try to enjoy each other without the stress of life weighing your relationships down.

It is a constant battle to not fret about the past or worry about the future. I am constantly working to stay right here in the present moment. Tom Zuba calls the present moment “our point of power.” It is true. We don’t change the past by fretting or the future by worrying. All the while, living in the past or future overwhelms us and deletes our energy! I find that when I stay in the present that I access a peace thar transcends understanding.

With that being said, we don’t always have to be doing something/accomplishing tasks in the present moment. We need to take time to replenish, recuperate, just be! This is something I struggle with. While I enjoy being busy and accomplishing things, sometimes I need to just sit and give my brain a break. I’m not always sure about the word “balance.” I think “harmony” may be a better goal.

If I can encourage fellow grievers to do one thing, it would be to continue to say they’d name! I talk about Richard daily! I always think of something that makes me laugh, smile, and be grateful. Don’t let others discomfort with death squelch your desire to keep that door open.

www.facebook.com/100046988926897/posts/456864579223169/

THERE IS NO GOING BACK

Dancing Between Both Worlds

“The death of someone we love

dearly

cracks us open.

Big time.

It’s supposed to.

It did me.

And for a time —

which varies from person-to-person

and can be a few days

or a week or two

or a month

or many months

or a year

or years

or the rest of our life —

some (many)

will dance between both worlds.

I do.

Do you?

Did you?

Are you still?

Dancing?

We dance between this world

and the next

when our beloved dies.

When she takes her last breath.

When he leaves his body.

We leave.

Too.

This physical plane.

For a time.

To be with them.

Where they are now.

And the dance begins.

Between both worlds.

Where all things are possible.”

From Chapter 1 of my first book

Permission to Mourn

available at amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Permission-Mourn-New-Way-Grief/dp/1600475655/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

www.facebook.com/100046988926897/posts/457374335838860/

As many of you know, I discovered Tom Zuba soon after Richard died. I started following his fb page and read his books (both were gifts from a member – who is now a friend- of Tom’s groups). I took two online courses with Tom. I continue to read his books almost daily. I find a new message each time I read a chapter. I’ve shared his books with others who are living with the death of a loved one. I’m 100% sure that these books, Tom’s posts, the friends I’ve made through his groups and pages, and the courses I took with him changed the trajectory of my grief journey. Tom shared this today. It is true!

When someone we love dies

most of the world “moves on”

very quickly.

Very, very quickly.

For those in the center of the storm

there is no moving on.

I believe we can learn to move with.

We can move with.

We can learn to take our beloveds with us.

Remember to be gentle with you.

Be gentle.

Even when

especially when

the world is not.

Be gentle with you.

“When your life has been shattered

in millions of pieces

you need to take it slow.

So be gentle

with yourself.

Be very

very

gentle.

Rest when you must.

I firmly believe that for many of us

if we were able to take in

really take in

the enormity of what has happened to us

we would not be able to live.

Literally.

I believe our bodies would shut down.

Our minds would turn off.

Our spirits would take flight.

Our new reality is simply too much to take in all at once.

So

we take it in

little-by-little

detail-by-detail.

Over time.

Lots of time.

And in time

(lots of it)

in small doses

our new reality begins to sink in.

Someone you love

dearly

has died.

Your life has changed.

Forever.

Many of your dreams have been shattered.

And for now

the best you can do is hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.”

Remember to be gentle with you.

Really

really

really gentle.

I don’t think we move on.

But I do believe we can learn

to move with.

We can bring our beloveds with us.

💛💛💛

Excerpt From Chapter 3 of Permission to Mourn.

Available at Amazon by clicking: https://www.amazon.com/Permission-Mourn-New-Way-Grief/dp/1600475655/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8